Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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