you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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