I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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