Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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