plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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