my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize