my sisters under your porch take her home
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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