Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
