if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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