What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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