dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
