My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
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Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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