U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
