I am spending my child support on dildos
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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