Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
