I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
