mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
