I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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