bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
