smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
