The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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