a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
