I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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