I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
