I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
