Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
