I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
