The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
