Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
