Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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