he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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