sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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