Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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