If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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