I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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