Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
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I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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