I wish I could punch you in the face.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
