I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
