It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
