i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
