if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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