Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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