Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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