My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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