I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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