i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
