I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
