I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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