i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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