When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
