He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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