My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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