aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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