It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
