marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
